Real men don't watch sports

Actual conversation I had with my father Tuesday night trying to get a score update on the Hawks-Cavs game on the way back from the grocery store that should give you the general impression that I'm the only sports fan in my family:

Jonathan: Can I get a score update on the game?

Dad: Sure, hang on a minute

Me: Ok

(several minutes pass)

Me: Dad?

Dad: Hang on...

Me:...

Dad: Ok, I've almost got it here - ok, Hawks 4, Cavaliers 1.

Me: (Thinking about it a minute and realizing that he's reading the playoff seeds for each team) - I don't think that's it.

Dad: uuh... ok, 23-17 Boston

Me: um, do you mean Cleveland?

Dad: Yeah, there's just a bunch of people talking - they're showing a bunch of scores - 30-39?

Me: That sounds pretty low... is Charles Barkley one of the guys talking?

Dad: Yeah

Me: Then it's halftime

Dad: Ok, now it's on commercial

I got home before he could find the score. It was 49-43 at the half. I love my dad.

It's official...

...I'm the #1 Jonathan Carl on the internet. Allow me to express my condolences to:

Jonathan Karl - Senior Congressional Corespondent, ABC News

Jonathan Carl - Interim Minister to Students at Severns Valley Baptist Church in Elizabethtown, KY

Jonathan Carl Wong - Looks like he might be a professor, public speaker or singer in Singapore

Jonathan Carl Nelson - Friend of the very attractive Lana Janczyszyn

Jonathan Carl Flemister - Really, really big fan of pants

Who the Hell IS this guy?

Spotted at Game 5 of the NBA Eastern Conference quarterfinals in Atlanta. Not hard to imagine how.

I asked around, assuming he was at least semi-famous. The answers I got ranged from a personal friend of Pat Riley, to a super-wealthy eccentric who lived in Los Angeles and was inexplicably a Heat fan and flew out to all the games, to some weird guy who forced his way through security saying "don't you know who I am?" which they didn't, but were too afraid he might be a wealthy eccentric or a personal friend of Pat Riley.

He at least acted like he knew all the players and celebrities, and they responded to him, though it's not clear whether it was by recognition or some learned response that people who dress like this and sit courtside at games are usually important. 

He ended up having a conversation with Stephen A. Smith, which makes him about as cool as anyone who has ever been within 50 feet of Stephen A. Smith (he likes to talk).

Oh, and there was a game too, or something.

Worst job interview ever

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Dreft Beer

I was going through my phone's photos and found this fun picture from a restaurant near my old apartment in Miami. See if you can spot the spelling error. I'll give you a hint - there's an orange explosion behind it.

In their defense, Dreft is actually a line of baby-friendly cleaning supplies, and it's arrogant for us to assume that they couldn't have also gotten into brewing.

Worst analogies ever

Ok, so it's been a little while since I've posted. I'm trying, ok? Shamelessly copied and pasted from a funny email my mom sent me, highlighting the worst analogies from stories submitted  in creative writing classes (if they wanted credit, they should have attached an MLA citation. Jeez.)

Some of these are actually really clever, whether by mistake or otherwise. Enjoy:

• He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

• They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

• She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

• McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

• From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
• Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

• Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

• Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

• Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

• He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

• The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

• Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

• Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

• The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

• The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

• His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

• The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
  

Writing tips from five people who can write way better than you (and how you can apply it to blog writing)

Mark Twain's Rules of Writing: there are few things more scorching

 than a Twain essay. James Feinmore Cooper got pwned in this one.

How you can apply it to blog writing: "A (blog) shall accomplish something and arrive somewhere," and "the (posts) of a (blog) shall be necessary parts of the (blog), and shall help develop it." In short, every blog needs a theme and every post needs to relate to that theme.

This is a writing blog. All the posts relate to writing. If your theme is any more complicated than that, chances are it's not very good.

Kurt Vonnegut's How to Write with Style: what a dude — at 115 years old, he was still touring college campuses and making female lit. majors swoon. How to Write with Style typifies his cool literary voice and provides true writing wisdom.

How you can apply it to blog writing: pity your readers. Don't use technical or unnecessarily complex vocabulary or references unless it relates to your theme (e.g., pwned—ok in a gaming blog, not ok in a writing blog). Limit paragraphs to a few sentences. State your point at the beginning of the post and stick to it.

And just because stream of consciousness is cathartic (note: stream of consciousness and cathartic—ok for a writing blog) doesn't mean it's being kind to your readership.

Ernest Hemingway's 5 rules for writing well (as told by copyblogger): I hated Hemingway short stories in high school. He's an acquired taste, for sure, but he's cited as one of the greatest writers of all time for a reason, and his writing tips are (intentionally or unintentionally) emulated by the most successful bloggers.

How you can apply it to blog writing: Use short sentences. They're more effective.

Jonathan Swift on style (as told by About.com): Jonathan Swift is the original Maddox and "A Modest Proposal" is the original smartass blog post, written 275 years before the internet.

How you can apply it to blog writing: Don't use cliches or common phrases, especially if they don't fit or you don't know exactly what it means. Nothing reads worse than 'fun and games,' 'fast and furious,' 'sick and tired,' 'short and sweet' or 'prim and proper.' 

 Say exactly what you mean—proper words in proper places—and if you don't know what you mean, then it's back to the drawing board.

George Orwell's six questions/six rules: Orwell's "1984" has inspired governmental paranoia, Janice Joplin and even 10 seasons of reality TV on CBS.  He must be doing something right to create one of the most timeless and disturbing literary themes of all time.

How you can apply it to blog writing: break any literary rule if it makes your writing sound ridiculous.