Writing tips from five people who can write way better than you (and how you can apply it to blog writing)

Mark Twain's Rules of Writing: there are few things more scorching

 than a Twain essay. James Feinmore Cooper got pwned in this one.

How you can apply it to blog writing: "A (blog) shall accomplish something and arrive somewhere," and "the (posts) of a (blog) shall be necessary parts of the (blog), and shall help develop it." In short, every blog needs a theme and every post needs to relate to that theme.

This is a writing blog. All the posts relate to writing. If your theme is any more complicated than that, chances are it's not very good.

Kurt Vonnegut's How to Write with Style: what a dude — at 115 years old, he was still touring college campuses and making female lit. majors swoon. How to Write with Style typifies his cool literary voice and provides true writing wisdom.

How you can apply it to blog writing: pity your readers. Don't use technical or unnecessarily complex vocabulary or references unless it relates to your theme (e.g., pwned—ok in a gaming blog, not ok in a writing blog). Limit paragraphs to a few sentences. State your point at the beginning of the post and stick to it.

And just because stream of consciousness is cathartic (note: stream of consciousness and cathartic—ok for a writing blog) doesn't mean it's being kind to your readership.

Ernest Hemingway's 5 rules for writing well (as told by copyblogger): I hated Hemingway short stories in high school. He's an acquired taste, for sure, but he's cited as one of the greatest writers of all time for a reason, and his writing tips are (intentionally or unintentionally) emulated by the most successful bloggers.

How you can apply it to blog writing: Use short sentences. They're more effective.

Jonathan Swift on style (as told by About.com): Jonathan Swift is the original Maddox and "A Modest Proposal" is the original smartass blog post, written 275 years before the internet.

How you can apply it to blog writing: Don't use cliches or common phrases, especially if they don't fit or you don't know exactly what it means. Nothing reads worse than 'fun and games,' 'fast and furious,' 'sick and tired,' 'short and sweet' or 'prim and proper.' 

 Say exactly what you mean—proper words in proper places—and if you don't know what you mean, then it's back to the drawing board.

George Orwell's six questions/six rules: Orwell's "1984" has inspired governmental paranoia, Janice Joplin and even 10 seasons of reality TV on CBS.  He must be doing something right to create one of the most timeless and disturbing literary themes of all time.

How you can apply it to blog writing: break any literary rule if it makes your writing sound ridiculous. 

Nobel Prize fight

I hate Horace Engdahl. The nobel judge of literature from Sweden announced a week before the award was to be given that American writers are too ignorant to compete for writing's top prize, effectively dashing in advance any hopes U.S. authors had of winning this year's award. And after the top U.S. literary authorities were predictably insulted and fired back, Engdahl did the most loathsome - and typically European - thing possible - he said he was surprised by the "violent" reaction from America and he didn't see what the big deal was about.

They ended up giving it to French writer Jean-Marie Gustave Le Clezio, who no doubt writes in a rigid, romantic style that suits Engdahl's narrow-minded definition of literature.

So our best move as Americans right now? Perhaps it's to point out that the U.S. has won more Nobel prizes in literature than Engdahl's native Sweden (8-6.5)? Or mention, as The New Yorker editor David Remnick did, the historic overlooking of Proust, Joyce and Nabokov for the prize, three huge gaffes in hindsight? Or maybe bring up the fact that by his own admission, one of the top Nobel judges is a bigot and allows his personal beliefs to affect his opinion of the literature he judges, severely damaging the credibility of the Nobel Prize for Literature?

What a butthole.

A veiled insult

"Men look strong, look powerful and capable, but on the inside they're insecure like everybody else."

--Gary Neuman (no, not that Gary Numan) from The Oprah Winfrey Show, as quoted by CNN.com

Gary Neuman is a lady's man. No, not the funny-SNL-sketch-turned-into-sub-par-feature-film type; he's more the Nicholas-Sparks-pee-sitting-down type. His new book, "Why Men Cheat," discusses the emotional needs of committed men and how infidelity can happen if those needs are not met, all the while coaching women on how to tell if their man is cheating and ways to get back at him (ok, so I don't know if it's actually in his book, but the article on CNN.com is linked to at least three different catch-your-man-in-the-act pieces. Plus the guy was on Oprah. That's -50 right there.)

Now look at the above quote. I'm no anthropologist, but aren't there only two types of people—men and women? Unless he's also addressing the transgendered or one of the other LGBTGIF's (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Thank God It's Friday), it's pretty clear what he's saying. Here, I'll even offset it in it's own paragraph and quote him:

"All women are insecure" --Gary Neuman

I'm no Susan B., but I'd be pretty insulted if I were a confident woman. Sure, go ahead and say it—there's no such thing as a confident woman—hahahahahahaha... hahahahaha... ha ha ha... heh, heh... but generalizing that all women as insecure is just as bad as saying all men cheat because they're secretly insecure. 

What does this have to do with writing (you know, the poorly emphasized theme of this blog?) Precision of language. Not political correctness—far from it, in fact—but using the exact words to convey your message.

What Gary should have said is "Men cheat because they are secretly insecure... actually, I don't really even know what I'm talking about. I actually just came to talk about your new book-of-the-month, Oprah. It's Nicholas Sparks, right?"